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April with Jacob and Hope
Just over a year ago, I took a giant leap of faith and boarded
a plane to Kenya. I was broken as I said
goodbye to my loved ones, but I was trusting God fully with my life for the
first time ever. I had no doubt that I
was going exactly where He wanted me to be.
The days were sometimes unbearably long yet my time in Kenya went by
entirely too fast. I can’t believe it’s
been a year; I can’t believe I’ve been back home for two months already.
Once I got to Kenya, I waited for the culture
shock that I was guaranteed to have.
Believe it or not, it never came.
Sure, there were things about the culture that were irritating sometimes
but nothing was ever significant enough to make me want to go home. When it was all over, I came home and I
waited for the reverse culture shock.
This time, it came, but not in a way I would have expected. I came home and suddenly nothing seemed
clear. I didn’t know who I was, where I
was going, or what my life was supposed to be about. When I was in Kenya, people always asked me
what I missed about home. My answer was
always that I missed my freedom, or rather, my independence. I was completely dependent on someone else for
practically everything while I was there.
Coming home, suddenly I had more freedom than I knew what to do
with. Much to my surprise, that tripped
me up more than once. Being able to do
what I wanted when I wanted to do it felt like a brand new feeling and was
quite overwhelming. |
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| April reading a book with Lydia |
My life here at home is very different
than my life was in Kenya. Here, I don’t
have children waiting for me. I sleep
half the day away because I don’t know what to do with myself otherwise. There are no children for me to dress or
feed, none to play with or teach new words to, no diapers to change, no little
legs running to me or arms reaching for me to hold them the minute I walk
downstairs
in the morning. Instead, I wake up and walk upstairs to an
empty house. I take a shower every
day-at any time of day I choose. I can
stay in the shower for as long as I want and the water doesn’t suddenly turn
ice cold or scalding hot, nor does it stop running when I would stand in the
shower freezing and jpraying that the water would start running again so I could get the soap out of my hair. I don’t have to worry about the
lights going off and leaving me to shower in the dark. I can get out of the shower knowing that if I
want to dry my hair, I can. I don’t have
to rush to make sure I dry it while the power is actually on. I can get in my car at any time I want and
drive anywhere I want to. The roads here
are remarkable. I hear people talk about
the ONE giant pothole on I-20 near our exit and think about how nice it would
be if there was only one giant pothole instead of hundreds from IAA to the
kids’ school. We take so much for
granted here in the US and I immediately fell right back into that same mindset
the minute my feet hit American soil.
All these things that we take for granted are great and it’s been nice
to have them back, but I also miss Kenya and the simplicity of life there. It was okay that I didn’t shower every day
because no one else did either. It was
okay that I didn’t dry my hair because no one cared what I looked like. It was okay that there were a million
potholes in the road-we were thankful we had something to drive and that it was
actually running that day. There,
nothing is reliable but it’s okay because God is reliable. He shows up on time, even if it’s not in OUR
time. There, it’s okay that nothing is
reliable because there, it’s not about things.
It’s about people and relationships.
In Kenya, I loved and was loved in a way that is rarely experienced in
America, at least in my experience, because we too often let things and
judgments and stuff that doesn’t matter get in the way of loving people for who
they are.
As I said, I came home and lost
myself. I felt like I had left Kenya and
lost God somewhere along the way back home.
All I knew was uncertainty. God
wasn’t giving me clear answers, or any answers for that matter. I had no idea where to even begin, no idea
how to find my way in a place that was so familiar and yet so foreign at the
same time. While wrestling with myself
about all the uncertainty, I went to church and the pastor said this-
“The bad
news is that there will ALWAYS be uncertainty BUT the good news is that your
life-it’s going to be okay."
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| April and Jacob |
If nothing else, I find comfort in
those words. God didn’t take me on this journey and teach me firsthand about His faithfulness
only to abandon me at the “end”. No,
this is just the beginning. He is here
beside me and He always will be. He may
not be making every decision as clear as He did my decision to GO, but He will
use every decision I make for the good.
He is sovereign and He is holding me in His hands. I may be uncertain, but God is not and I will
commit my whole self to Him so that my life will reflect His will.
April
Lingle
